There
have been a number of articles written over the past year talking about social
media and some of its negative effects upon us.
The first article I came across and read in 2012 spoke about people
feeling lonelier in spite of having hundreds of “friends” on Facebook. I didn’t find the aspect shocking and began
to consider if it was true or not. I’ve
been mulling over this (off and on) for many months and have read more
articles. Some of the articles address
the loneliness, jealousy, and narcissistic factors promoted by social
media. Meanwhile, some articles lean the
other way and state that all that negativity about social media is probably
unfounded and not true.
Through
my personal experience, the following is what I’ve concluded about this matter.
While
I do not think it is a simple, cut and dry issue whether or not social media
actually creates loneliness, I believe that it absolutely has the potential to
make us feel lonelier. I believe that holds true for social media or
any other digital technology. Being
alone and feeling lonely are two different things. There are times we need and long to be alone,
without other people around us, and it is beneficial for us. That is not loneliness. And there are times when we find ourselves
feeling desperately alone all the while being surrounded by people. That is loneliness.
As
a majority, human beings long for relationship with others and a sense of
belonging with others. There are some
who make up a minor exception and are perfectly content being alone and removed
from society. But for the most part, the human soul desires to be connected and
in relationship with others. This is why
our world is not filled with billions of loners who do their own thing and are
disconnected from every single other human being. Instead, our human society is
made up of couples, families, common interest groups, organizations, churches,
etc. We look for and gravitate to those
with whom we can relate to, and we pursue relationship with them.
Personally,
I enjoy spending some time by myself. I
like and need to be able to think, pray, journal, and read in peace and quiet. However, I am not a loner. Over the past few years, I have discovered
how very much I value sincere and real relationships and how much of a
relational person I am. In order to make
complete sense as to why I’ve come to the conclusions I have about loneliness
and our society, I must back track just a little into my past.
The
Backdrop of Family
I
am the third and youngest daughter to my parents. My older sisters were very close to each
other, being only two years apart. I
came along five years after my parent’s second daughter and so it was kind of
like being a third wheel. I knew my
parents and my sisters loved me. But my
relationship with my sisters was never as close as the one my sisters shared
with each other. For a few years, there were moments when felt like the black sheep of the family (and probably acted like it). I’ve always been the non-conformist. I will never forget my mother once saying to
me, “Why can’t you be more like your sisters?!” For the majority of my adulthood, neither my
parents nor my sisters have lived nearby, and we do not see each other in
person very often. This is a great sadness to my heart, and I feel disconnected
from them. When my husband, children,
and I lived in Texas, we enjoyed having my husband’s family near us, but after
moving to Colorado 12 years ago, we lost that.
Especially during the holidays, this fills us with sadness and
loneliness. For various reasons, family
visits across state lines don’t happen very often. Phone contact is okay, but it can never
replace in person relating.
The
Backdrop of Friendship
Without
family near to us, we have relied on friendships. Ah, friendships…
Friendships
have never been the easiest subject in my life.
I have had very few honest to goodness true friends. I consider true friends, the people who truly
love you, no matter how sad or happy you are, and who show it by standing by
your side and helping no matter what difficulties life brings. True friends are willing to take the time to
listen, not just talk your ear off while you listen to them. True friends do not assume the worst about
you, do not walk out on you, do not gossip or lie about you to others, and do
not completely abandon you because you have a disagreement or see some things
differently. True friends do not just take
from you, they also give abundantly. True
friends do not care about the physical distance across state lines or the
expanses of ocean between you. They
still remain connected and true friends.
I’ve
had plenty of acquaintances and casual friends in my life, people I’ve known
and who have known me on some level. But
I’ve had very few true friends. Oh,
there have been many who have called
themselves my true friends, but they were not.
And there have been fellow Christ believers who acted like they were true friends until it did not suit them any
longer, and they decided to ungracefully erase me out of their lives. Through the most painful and beautiful
experiences of all those relationships, I have learned how to be a true friend,
and I have learned the immense value of having a true friend.
I lived in Texas most of my life and my husband lived there all his life. Twelve years ago, when we packed up and moved with our three children to Colorado, we left behind in Texas some family and true friends.
I lived in Texas most of my life and my husband lived there all his life. Twelve years ago, when we packed up and moved with our three children to Colorado, we left behind in Texas some family and true friends.
The
Backdrop of Church Fellowship
For
ten years (until 2005), our family attended church and participated in
countless church activities and fellowship groups. We were part of something and of others and
enjoyed that sense of belonging. We made
lots of church friends. The connection
with others was not always perfect, as is the reality with relationships in all
walks of life, but it was full of special and meaningful moments. Relationships are messy while also being
rewarding and fulfilling.
In
2005, through some really ugly and unpleasant events, God literally plucked us
out of the mainstream church scene and gave us a dream and desire for
participating in home church fellowship.
Around the same time, He gave us a “new set of glasses” to see Him through. It was a lot of transition and change at once
and over the past few years, but I am utterly grateful for it. I am thankful not to be stuck in the
traditions of men, religions, creeds, or denominations. The downside to these changes has been the loss
of relationship and fellowship with other Christ believers. For me, this loss has been colossal because talking and sharing
with others about the ways and workings of my Father God and my Lord Jesus
Christ is my favorite topic of serious conversation.
Multiple
times over the last seven years our family has attempted to join with others in
home church fellowship groups. We have
visited existing fellowships and started a couple of our own. Unfortunately, to this day, none of these
groups have proven to be the right fit for our family, or lasted any length of
time, or have been compatible with our beliefs about God’s all-surpassing power,
sovereignty, and grace. Often, people
who think they want home church
fellowship are not prepared for the realness and personal participation that
such a fellowship brings. People are
much more comfortable with the mainstream church scenario where it is easy to sit
quietly in a chair or a pew while all eyes are focused front and center at the
pastor and the music team. Comfortable
habits are hard to change. Along with
that aspect, we face the barrier that our beliefs about God are no longer in
perfect alignment with mainstream Christian beliefs. For one (a “biggie” to many Christians), my
husband and I no longer believe in hell or eternal torment. We have excellent, solid, and scriptural
grounds for our belief, but most people who believe in hell, do not take that
lightly. It’s as if to be a “good
Christian believer” it is a requirement to believe that God has to torture
billions of people in some inferno called hell, for all eternity, without ever
ceasing. The moment we bring up that we
don’t believe in such a hell, it feels like we are instantly judged to not be
of sound mind or theology and that we must be corrected in our heretical error. That is very frustrating and alienating.
Back
to My Point
All
that said and background given, it may seem that I’ve digressed from the
subject I initially began writing about at the beginning of this post, but I
haven’t. Those experiences, with not
having family nearby, being plucked out of the mainstream institutional church,
and not believing exactly the same as most other Christians, have contributed
to the “Loneliness Grand Canyon” I am currently facing. I’ve appropriately named it so because it is
a relational grand canyon where I feel like I’m shouting out, “Is anyone
there?! Does anyone care? Does anyone want to have real, meaningful, and sincere
relationships, *in person*?” I’m calling and shouting out, and no one is
answering. I only hear my echo calling
back to me. It’s as if everyone is just
too busy minding their own business and enjoying technology and virtual
relationships to even notice. The enormous
loss of friends, family, community, the believer’s fellowship that we once knew,
and the inability to find all that again has led us to where we find ourselves
today. Lonely.
What
does any of this have to do with digital technology and social media? Well, I own and post to a handful of blogs, I
have a Facebook account, and I also manage a handful of Facebook pages relating
to my blogs. I frequently visit Facebook
and make attempts to interact with Facebook friends. I also belong to a couple of private, special
interest Facebook groups which can be a little bit more “personal” than just
posting on public Timelines. I have all
those things and participate in them as time allows. Yet, those virtual connections leave me
feeling almost equally as lonely as if they did not even exist. I want to look into someone’s eyes and
verbally talk with them and have a real conversation!
Digital technology and social media cannot replace a need and desire for face to face,
in person relationships. Sure, it’s nice
to connect with out of town friends and family and to make a few new “virtual”
friends with common interests and beliefs.
But the virtual world is no replacement for the real world. Virtual relationships are no replacement for
face to face relationships. I long for realness, earnestness, sincerity! I long to sit across from a friend, have a
heart to heart conversation, and look into that friend’s eyes and visibly see
they care about me and how I feel. I want
to see and audibly hear their compassion and their encouragement, not just read
it through an email or Facebook comment box with an added emoticon. And I want them to be able to look into my
eyes and hear my voice and feel the same thing.
There
is too much hiding and masking that takes place in the virtual world of
technology and social media. Most of the
time people are intent on putting up an image of themselves that is far from
the reality, often in an effort to protect themselves. And God forbid, if they get too real and
honest in their Facebook posts, some of their “friends” may be offended and
call them out on it. I have actually
seen this happen to some of my Facebook friends in a few separate instances. They were being honest about their feelings
or thoughts and someone said something to them that made them feel bad about
being real and sincere. Really,
people? If you want to wear a mask and
pretend you never struggle with life, fine.
But don’t forcibly hand a mask to others just because you don’t want to be real. I’m not saying we should be airing out a
bunch of dirty laundry or bad mouthing other people. But there is nothing wrong with stating we
are frustrated or angry or feeling down.
It’s real. It’s life. I hate masks, and I hate pretense. These are not the kind of relationships I am
looking for.
Appropriately,
my husband and I were just chatting after dinner and discussing the things I
was writing in this post, and he told me a friend of his shared this quote
today:
“One of the reasons we struggle with insecurity is we're
comparing our behind-the-scenes with everybody else's highlight reel.” - Steven Furtick
And I commented to my husband, “Yes,
comparing with everyone’s highlight reel that may or may not be real.”
We
are Losing the Art of Relationship
Beyond
the social media outlets, we deal with the distraction of incessant technology
all around us. Truly, I am convinced we
are losing the ability to sincerely relate with each other because we are so
focused on the technology before our eyes.
I observe that people are getting together, but instead of spending time
talking face to face, sharing lighthearted or serious discussions, or playing together,
they are playing video games, watching movies, or watching television. Their eyes are not on each other. Their eyes are on entertaining technology. Add to that the cell phone in all of our
hands which continuously draws our focus and attention from the person standing
right before us. We are losing sight of
who is really important. People are
important. Technology is a mere
tool. People are living and breathing
human beings to be loved and cared for.
Technology is a thing to be used. It seems to me that it has become more common for people to be used and technology to be loved.
Today’s technology is so entertaining!
We are bombarded with colorful images, virtual games, flashy lights,
entertainers, and on and on. I suppose
real life, common people can appear boring next to all that hoopla flashing
before our eyes. Especially when we hold
in the palm of our hand the ability to view images and stories of the whole wide
world. Often, technology draws so much
of our attention that we lose total sight of the smaller world where we are
actually living. We forget that God
physically placed us in a certain place, at a certain time, around a certain
group of people, for very good reasons.
We have physical presence where we do because that is where we are meant
to be at this particular time. There is
much to be gained and learned from relating with the people around us—the ones
God has placed in our daily lives. Oh,
but we lose sight of that too easily! We
take people for granted, or find them annoying, or of little importance
compared to that bigger whole wide world out there with which we can connect
virtually. That virtual world outside of
our own backyard is quite lucrative and seems more exciting and full of promise to be more spectacular than our simple, little lives. But that is not true. There is a mask on that virtual world; so
much reality of it which we cannot see. People
can pretend to be and do anything sitting behind a computer and a
keyboard. And the media is terribly
biased and wants to make us believe things that are not necessarily true. The old saying still stands: The
grass is not always greener on the other side. No matter how often we are told that, we want
to believe otherwise.
Real life is way more complicated and
intricate beyond the eloquent or energetic status, perfect picture, elaborate
blog post, entertaining YouTube video, or witty tweet. Real life is difficult and exhilarating, full
of ups and downs, good moments and bad moments, joy, sorrow, laughter, doubt,
perseverance, health, illness, depression, insecurity, success, and failure. I want to share real and personal life with
close and true friends. I want to have
heart to heart discussions, face to face.
I want to worship and fellowship with fellow Christ believers and talk
about the wonders and ways of God. I
want to fill my soul’s “Loneliness Grand Canyon” with real and sincere
relationships.
Rediscovering
the Art of Investing Time and Effort in People
I
am a giver by nature. I love to give of
myself to others. That is a major reason
for my blogs and why I volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. I long to share my love with others, be a
listening ear, and help in any way I can. However, I’ve arrived at a place in my life
where I would really appreciate being given to so that I may receive. I recently told my husband, “I feel gived
out.” Gived is not a word, but that is
the best way I can describe it. A week
ago, my husband and I went to see the movie Silver
Linings Playbook. I really enjoyed
that movie. Why? Because it was real. It revealed real life,
real people, real struggles, joys, doubts, and fears. It revealed people being real with each
other, not trying to be all masked and proper.
And it hit so close to home during the scene in the movie when Tiffany
passionately tells Pat how she’s always giving and giving and never getting
anything back and how she wants to get something back. A few weeks ago, I was sharing something
similar with my husband about how I’ve repeatedly given and listened to so many,
but I can hardly find someone willing to listen to me. It almost feels like I’ve been a good
listener to a fault. It’s awful to think
or write that! I want to shout out to
the world, “Can I say something now?”
I’ve seen this quote circulate through
Facebook multiple times over the past years:
“Did you know the
people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the
people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you
know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who
need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm
sorry, and Help me. Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past
their smile and see how much pain they may be in.”
I see that quote and it somewhat makes me
mad. That may sound strange, but it’s
true. It makes me mad because I see it
posted and re-posted, but I don’t think people are really paying attention to
what it says! This quote is true, and I
personally feel that quote. I am a strong woman, but I am also extremely
sensitive. You may not see me falling
apart on the outside, but that doesn’t me I’m not falling apart on the
inside. I am determined to be kind and
super graceful towards others, but I don’t feel the same given as liberally to
me. I am always taking care of someone,
but who is taking care of me?
What If…
In this post, I’ve had my say. I write mostly to help myself sift through
all the thoughts and emotions and “vent”.
Back in 2007, I began this blog as a way to be free to express myself
whether someone was listening or not. I
have no illusions that this post is going to solve the problems of
relationships in my life or in our current society. But…what if…
What if we took account of how much time we
spend using technology or being entertained by it and instead devoted more of
that time to people and relationships?
What if we spent less time on Facebook and devoted
more time on face to face relationships?
What if we spent less time with our eyes in
front of a screen and more time with our eyes looking into someone else’s?
What if we spent less time holding on to our cell phones and more time holding someone's hand?
What if we spent less time holding on to our cell phones and more time holding someone's hand?
What if we spent less time with ear buds in
our ears and more time listening to someone share their joys and sorrows
with us?
What if instead of typing into comment
boxes and clicking "Like" buttons we took the time to have verbal dialogue with
others?
What if…we were real?
For a follow up, related post: We are Losing the Art of Listening
If you are interested in reading some of the articles on social media that I refer to at the beginning of this post, here are their links:
If you are interested in reading some of the articles on social media that I refer to at the beginning of this post, here are their links:
Is Facebook Making Us Lonely?
(I find this article the most thorough)
If you are interested in understanding more
about why my husband and I no longer believe in a fiery inferno called hell or
in participating in the mainstream institutional church, here are some things I’ve
previously posted on this site:
Great Article on Home Church
Update - on March 23, 2013 I came across this article that spoke along these similar lines: "How To Miss a Childhood". I believe we don't just miss our children's childhood. I believe we miss all sorts of relationships with people around us and who touch our lives day to day.
Update - on March 23, 2013 I came across this article that spoke along these similar lines: "How To Miss a Childhood". I believe we don't just miss our children's childhood. I believe we miss all sorts of relationships with people around us and who touch our lives day to day.
Beautiful. I'm listening, and taking a lot of this to heart. ♥
ReplyDeleteThank you, Allegra! <3
DeleteI told my family that the next time we have the blessed opportunity to all be together in one room I was going to make everyone put their gadgets in a basket at the door and they couldn't pick them up again until they left. We have so little time to be together. Last time we were together the electronic interruptions made me want to cry. It was such a waste of precious time. I wish I lived near you. I would love to get to know you, via a non electronic venue, but I am glad to be able to get to know you a little at least this way.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment "pmac". I feel and understand your frustration. The electronic drop off basket sounds like a great idea. It IS such a blessing to be able to gather with friends and/or family together without electronic interruptions, but also a very hard thing to accomplish these days. I am also blessed by connecting with you, even if it is just in this virtual manner.
Deletesister Mary Ann, social media is problematic and virtual to relationships, while our relationship to the Father in the Son should not be suffering the same; we should know Him within; know Him above; recognize Him in those He lives. He is our all and all.
ReplyDeleteany "God box" will tend to obscure or blemish our relationships with God's kids, including the "No Hell" or "No torment" box for God. To trust truly under the sovereignty of the Almighty One, impose upon Him no "box" --- let Him speak for Himself. If He decides to torment people for millions of ages, will you and your husband be Okay with that? If not, you have been allowing for an apparent box to contain or restrain the sovereign God.
No home fellowship was meant by God to be a "right fit for our family". Instead, He brings us into small Family settings with other believers and wanna-believe-rs who will provoke us to love and good deeds --- not because they're comfortable or matching to our family, but rather in an intimate & challenging opportunity to love and grow in grace.
Marshall, thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts with me. You're right, our relationship with our Father God through our Lord Jesus Christ transcends all of these earthly difficulties. How thankful we can be for that!
DeleteIt is true that God boxes can be very problematic and a hindrance to our relationships. I have reached a place in my life where I have actually freed God out of the many boxes in which I used to hold Him. And that has happened because I have let Him speak for Himself. For years, that has been my greatest request of God--that He would speak to me Himself and reveal Himself to me and that all man's perceptions and beliefs about Him would be put aside. My greatest request of Him was that He reveal His true self to me. The beliefs about there being no eternal torment is one of the things which has come from that utmost request and from me listening intently to Him speak. In the past, I used to be okay with an eternal torment perspective because that is what I was taught most of my life, but I can no longer accept that or be okay with it.
As far as the home fellowship, I am not saying that there are any perfect fits. There are no perfect people and no perfect groups, churches, or home fellowships. The fellowships that were not a right fit for our family was due to the fact that we felt provoked to frustration because of the God boxes held in esteem and/or because we did not feel that it was a place where there was intimate and challenging opportunities to love, to grow in grace, and to experience and discover God together.
Blessings, grace, and peace to you, Marshall. Thanks again for the dialogue.