A few days ago, my 19 year-old son asked me
if I had read a blog post which had gone viral.
The post is titled Marriage Isn’t For You and written by Seth Adam Smith. At approximately
the same time my son was asking me about the article, his girlfriend happened
to message me a link to it and asked for my opinion. I was curious what this post was all about
and took the time to read it multiple times and ponder it for a couple of
days. I asked my husband (of 26 ½ years)
to also read the article.
I
offered my son and his girlfriend a different viewpoint:
It’s
true that marriage isn’t for you. We should not enter into a marriage for what we
can get out of it for one’s own self. Marriage
is giving and taking. Humans are full of
selfish desires and quite skilled at doing whatever is necessary to preserve
their personal well-being and happiness.
No one needs marriage to accomplish those goals and absolutely should
not enter into marriage in order to fulfill them. Unfortunately, many people do make the
mistake of looking to their spouse to be their source of constant happiness.
In
the Marriage Isn’t For You article,
the author mentions that his father said some things to him that made a
difference in his viewpoint of marriage.
I agree with the following things his father stated about marriage:
“Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really
simple: marriage isn’t for you… your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re
marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but
for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you
want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you…
Marriage is not all about you, and it is not for you.
Marriage is not all about the other person and it is
not for them either.
Marriage is about a couple. It is for
a couple.
Marriage is for
the “us” of that couple.
Marriage is for
a couple as it embarks together on their present and future life’s journey.
Marriage is a union of two people becoming as one. That was God’s intent from the beginning: “and the two shall become one”. In marriage, two single individuals
complement and complete each other.
Secondary to marriage being about the us, marriage also involves others. Others are the extended family members who are
also part of the marriage union. Others
are the children of the married couple, the grandchildren, and so on. Even though there is an aspect about others
in a marriage, marriage at its root must be about the couple as one—the us. Because
when family members are distant in relationship or in geographical miles or
they die, and when the children of the marriage grow up and leave home, that
couple is left with each other—us.
In
the same manner that we should not enter a marriage for self-gratification, we
should not enter a marriage with a focus solely on gratifying the other person and
carrying the responsibility of that person’s happiness. Love is a complicated thing, full of joys and
sacrifices. In love, we are certainly to
look out for the best interest and well-being of the person we love. But there must be a give and take on both sides.
I think it is a mistake to expect our
spouse to carry the responsibility of our constant happiness upon their
shoulders.
Because
Marriage Isn’t for You went viral, it
concerns me that Seth Smith’s viewpoint focuses on marriage being for others and his spouse’s happiness being
his responsibility. It concerns me that
such a focus will lead a person entering into a marriage to be under the false
impression that it is their spouse’s responsibility to make sure they are happy
and stay happy. It concerns me that
spouses will have the mentality, “I
married you to be happy, and now my happiness depends on you.” That’s a burdensome expectation to place upon
someone else. Such an expectation can
easily lead to the death of a marriage. Happiness
is not something to be had at all times.
If something that may make one of the spouses “happy” leads to the
detriment of the couple (the us) or
their family unit, then that factor must be re-evaluated and a different
decision considered for the ultimate good of the us and the family.
Personally,
I do not feel it is my husband’s primary duty to make sure I’m happy. And I would not want to place that burden on his
shoulders. I look to Michael to be my intimate
partner in life, in joy, and in sorrow.
In our marriage, Michael demonstrates his love for me by watching out for my best interest,
helping me, encouraging me, advising me, supporting me, protecting me, taking
care of me, working alongside me, and being my faithful companion and lover. I
also trust him to respectfully tell me when I need correction in my behavior or
direction. And I show my love for him in a similar manner. Ultimately, we
both look out for the best interest and well-being of us as a couple. We are both
committed to spending a lifetime together through thick and thin, highs and
lows. It is something we do for us first and foremost and for our
children and family secondary.
The
greatest joy and happiness in a marriage union will come from mutual respect,
commitment, and the love described in 1 Corinthians 13:
Love is patient,
love is kind and is not
jealous; love does not brag and
is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not
provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with
the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
things. Love never fails.
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| Image source: pinterest.com/pin/ |
My
marriage has not lasted over 26 years because Michael has focused on making
sure I’m always happy or because I’ve done the same for him. Our marriage has lasted because we have experienced
life together, committed to us and to
togetherness. Our marriage has brought
love, dislike, laughter, tears, mistakes, forgiveness, lies, truth, silence,
communication, sickness, health, pride, humility, doubts, fears, impatience,
patience, happiness, sadness, uncertainty, hard work, perseverance, and much
more. While Michael and I desire each
other’s happiness and do things to please each other and bring happiness to the
other person, we both understand that it is not either of our primary
responsibility to each other. The love
described in 1 Corinthians 13 is. No, we
don’t do that love perfectly. Our
marriage is as imperfect as we are and has come a long, long way from the
moment we initially said “I do”. For the
past 26 years, we have acted on a commitment to walking through life’s journey
together and loving and working through all the imperfections together.
And
ultimately, at the heart of it all, God holds our marriage together. It’s His
accomplishment in our lives. For that,
we are beyond grateful.
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