There is currently a great turmoil within me. I’m not sure why I post about it, except that I am certain God will use this season of my life as a platform for His glory and His miraculous work. I think it’s more real and relatable to others if we are sincere and open about when we find ourselves in the depths of darkness; instead of only sharing about when God brings us out of that darkness. After all, the purpose of this blog is to reveal God’s amazing character and faithful work with us imperfect human beings living in this imperfect world.
In the last eight months, God brought me victoriously into a true freedom from the fear of man. I found myself saying to some friends that for the first time in my life I was truly free from the fear of man. It is certainly a magnificent freedom to revel in. Unfortunately, over the last few weeks and months, another disease has taken hold of me. Maybe it was a small, silent disease that has always been rooted in my soul and now has grabbed a greater hold over me? I don’t know. But I know that today it is obvious that it has a strong hold in my mind.
It is the disease of FAILURE. I have come face to face with the depths of feeling like a failure. All of a sudden in my life, I feel like a complete failure in most of the major things I am responsible for. I’m not sure what’s happened, I wish I knew. What I keep seeing in my mind’s eye is that the goals that I was working so hard towards and trying so hard to do right have not turned out the way I hoped and dreamed they would. It’s like we were almost there, but now have fallen short of fulfillment. I keep asking myself, “Where did I go wrong?”, “What I am doing wrong?”, and “What do I do now?”
Please understand that I am not speaking of worldly goals or material pursuits. One of the areas in which “Failure” taunts me is in my role as a parent. As we moved into a season of having all three children in their teen years, parenting has been one of my greatest challenges. Someone forgot to give me the manual, and I’m not sure I have a clue as to what I’m doing.
I have a tendency to feel more responsible for some things than I should. But I would rather err on that side instead of not taking enough responsibility for what I should. However, maybe that is partly why I find myself in this place now?
I have more questions than answers right now; so many questions and so much heartache over wanting things to be right but feeling utterly unable and out of control to make them so. I have only one answer—He is THE One Answer to all things. I can only cry out to the God of heaven and earth and ask for His help.
“I am lifting my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come?
My help is from YHWH, Maker of the heavens and earth.
He shall certainly not allow your foot to slip;
your Guardian shall certainly not slumber.
Behold, He is neither slumbering nor sleeping...
YHWH is your Guardian;
YHWH is your Protecting Shade at your right hand.
By day the sun shall not smite you, nor the moon by night.
YHWH Himself shall guard you from all peril; He shall guard your soul.
YHWH Himself shall guard your going forth and your coming in…”